• Sim

Life outside of the vacuum

It's always easy to pose empty conjectures about my behavior and thoughts based on splinters of time in which a person comes in contact with me. Everything I am now is a statement of indomitable will, even just existing this very moment.

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” -Seneca

Outside of depression being extremely misunderstood: the thinking patterns, perspectives, filters and neurological resonance is hard to explain. We're not lacking the words to explain this per se, as much as it's an uncomfortable truth to face. One of the most dominant thoughts is self harm and suicide. Nothing I write here is an exaggeration. As much as of this post is based on memory other parts are based on my writings from back then. Wishing I was dead was a very common thought for me, common to the point of thinking it several times a day. Another dominant thought pattern is wanting inflict harm upon others. Revenge killings were very popular thoughts that bounced around in my skull.

With suicidal and nihilistic thought at such a young age I genuinely didn't think I'd live past 16, let alone 27. Sometimes that scared me, sometimes it made me relieved, sometimes I was apathetic to life and death, and sometimes I was exhilarated by thought of destroying someone's world. If you have ever tried to change a habit you understand how much of a colossal effort that was. Try changing the way you think and feel, that mode you've been in for over 14 years.

To feel a difference in what I think, how I think, how my thoughts are structured, how I direct my feelings, how I control my feelings, what I feel and when I feel it is M-A-J-O-R. None of this was done in a hyperbolic time-chamber in the vacuum of space somewhere far away from other people. It's done in the dirt and all the shit people still threw my way.

I didn't just change habits, I changed who I am. I changed the very structures of my brain and my psyche that dictate how I live my life. The burden of proof is on my side when it comes to self development through any medium and means at my disposal. Whether it's a quick word from a friend, a line from a movie, a passage from a fantasy book, an article online or a full blown non-fiction book. Change might be hard, but living with the sword of self imposed demise over your head is even harder. I'll take the hard change any day of the week over going back to living in the abyss.

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